You’ve Got To Be Kidding Right???


Random (and sometimes not so random) musings from a life that sometimes is but often times is NOT amusing….

Unintended Collateral Damage

Over the past weekend I had difficult reality come up and bite me in the ass. 

Almost literally. 


It happened when my husband and I took the ‘big girls’ out to eat and my husband ordered a beer.  There was a subtle shift in mood but none that was extremely obvious.  What happened next though there was no mistaking.  My husband, the love of my life, the one that has stood behind me through hell and back, well he had the gall to order another beer.  This time the shift in mood was not so subtle.  Both girls stopped eating and looked at me.


I was ashamed of what I saw.


I saw fear – fear that he was going to drink too much, fear that I was going to join in. 


Life shouldn’t be that difficult for a 13 and 10 year old – they shouldn’t fear someone having a beer with dinner – in fact they shouldn’t even THINK about it.  I have caused this fear – I – ALONE.  It wasn’t anyone else’s fault, it wasn’t anything in one else had a hand in.  My drinking became out of control after my divorce, when I was not with my husband I have now.  I can’t blame anyone but myself and maybe my f’ed up genes which certainly didn’t help matters. 


I have to admit that my husband handled it perfectly.  He realized the issue and called the waitress over and calmly, without any comments handed her the beer back.  No discussion, no making it a big deal, no nothing – just the impression that said that he cared more about them than he did that beer.


I wish so much that I had given that gift to my girls.


Last night I was watching TV and the words:  Unintentional Collateral Damage came up.  I honestly don’t remember what it was about – all I remember was that I sat and immediately thought that I had done the same thing I had ranted and raved about in the past that I had inadvertently, without consideration, and without much thought to the end result created:


Unintentional Collateral Damage


So what the hell do I do now?


Filed under: Uncategorized

2 Responses

  1. PrincessJenn says:

    You do exactly what you’re doing. You stay committed to being sober. You reach out for support when you need it. And you congratulate yourself on marrying a wonderful, sensitive man who is so aware of his family that he knew without question how to handle the situation.
    You’re doing awesome.
    And your children – well, as they watch and see that you’re no longer reaching for that drink, they too will heal. It just takes time.

  2. Carol J. says:

    Hi there. I just this moment found your blog thru AllMediocre and when I read what you wrote, it broke my heart.

    Altho I’m not the drinker (my husband is), our 4 kids have suffered the same pain as yours. You say “what should I do now”? My advice would be first of all, don’t beat yourself up anymore. Remember, it was “unintentional”.

    Then, talk to your kids with the honesty that their ages can grasp. Love them, hug them, and have faith that their love for you will overcome their fear. Time will help heal them.

    And as my parents always said to me…”keep the faith; this, too, shall pass.”

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